[Marvelfangirl]

Anyone want to share their life story as like a reflection? I have my own to share, warning there is strong language.

Oh ok well here it goes. There's a lot on my mind. So much I could literally write a fucking book on it. Maybe someday I will. Well anyways just mostly written for me I guess. I believe it's always important to reflect where you've come from and where you are now. And for me this upcoming week, well now literally speaking Monday. This week is a hard time for me in family history. This week my grandmother was buried. And I was very close to her. It was when I was seven going on eight years at the time. My grandmother passed away from ovarian cancer at the age of 61. I was devastated to lose her when we did. And the weirdest yet surreal thing was a year ago we were having fun on the beach of Florida collecting seashells. And oddly enough I blamed myself for her death. In speaking of MLK Day, I had drawn a drawing for it when I was in first grade and my art teacher loved it and ended up on a kid display at the Florida museum. So before cell phones and AOL Dial Up, I handwrote her a letter to come to Florida. And she did and that was the last thing I would ever do with her. I had heard she had gotten sick and was in the hospital at Christmas time. We were going down there to see her. At the time we were in Arizona and we rode a Greyhound bus then an Amtrak train to see her in Dallas, TX. We had always moved around from Texas, Arizona and Florida. My parents had so much to deal with even then. My grandfather at the same time was going blind in both his eyes and on top of that had to take care of him. I had gotten to see Granny. Before we saw her my parents got me this stuffed animal, a golden retriever I named Sarah. We couldn't afford an actual pet so pretended it was my dog. My pet. I brought her with me hoping it would make her feel better. I brought Sarah to my grandmother. The way I saw my grandmother that day lives with me to this day forever. She was so pale and lifeless. It's like she couldn't even smile she was in so much pain. I gave Sarah to her so she could pet it and she was so fucking weak that she could hardly touch and pet it. After that I knew something horrible was happening. I was so fucking scared. I couldn't sleep at night. I got so sick to my stomach I ended up vomiting and crying right on the floor. My parents found me. I was a very happy girl. I believed the world was such a fucking amazing beautiful place because of my parents. Because for them it was not. My mother had to sell her wedding ring, my father had to sell his car they worked so fucking hard that enabled them to raise me and enabled me to believe the world was a fucking amazing beautiful place. At school I was comfortable in my own skin and happy as could ever be. But now I was changing. They had released her on New Years. At first I thought that meant she had gotten better. The truth was the opposite. Me and my brother made her bracelets and brought movies for her to watch. But she was so lifeless. Unmoving and I was always looking to her but I didn't seem to see anything change. This week I remember my mother picking me up very early from school and telling the news to me in the car. I was devastated. That I was right about what I was feeling and that was a out of body experience for me. I never knew what death was like. Or suffering. Or how the world was not as perfect as I had thought. I started to cry at school all the time. To the point I lost my friends. I cried everyday for like eight years. I shit you not. At some points it got embarrassing for me and I couldn't stop. It's like I had regressed to the emotional state of a baby. I was broken like a record. And I knew I would never be able to be as happy as I was before probably ever again. I was put into therapy this lovely Christian woman but I hated the therapy. I just wanted my grandmother to come back. But you know what even when I felt like the world was ending now today I can talk about this. It got so bad I couldn't talk to people or even look them in the face I always hung my head down so low. But now I can laugh and chat and talk to people all I want. I know life goes on and Shit still happens. I mean in Highschool my parents ended up divorcing. My mother was dating this man that posed as a church and in actuality was a con man. He ended up stealing 20,000 dollars from her that she was tricked into donating and that nearly led my mother to commit suicide. I greeted my mother and she seemed normal and that everything was fine. I was making dinner for my brother below. My brother was born with complications being I would say mildly autistic. But he's perfect. He's my best friend. I watch after him and take care of him even now. She was about to commit suicide and at the other end my father was too. To lose them both WOULD BE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE. I WAS TERRIFIED. My mother's family told her as well she owed them money and practically disowned her and I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HER. BUT SHE PLAYED IT OFF THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE. I wouldn't have fucking known. I KNEW I HAD TO BE STRONG FOR MY BROTHER. I've gone through this before I knew I had to be strong. Nothing can shake more than the moment when I lost my grandmother. NOTHING IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING WORLD COULD EVER BREAK ME AS MUCH AS THAT MOMENT DID. But I am walking testament that things get better. Life still goes on. I put shit out of my mind and this week you just sense the dread coming. On a lighter note though I'd like to say this. I had a dream the day she died which I believe looking back was a message. I had found out much later my grandparent's brown van when my grandmother was dying of cancer was stolen and if it was a split second she could have been taken along with the van. They lost the van. That brown van I loved I had always wondered what had happened to it. I believe Drug dealers got ahold of it somehow stashed with drugs. That's what my mother told me. I was in disbelief. But that dream. That dream on a lighter note was a sign. I saw the world-my world that died away. I could see the sun rows of sunflowers all around fields of flowers and there was a path where I finally found it. The brown van was right there. And inside was my grandmother. Smiling and waiting for me. That's when I knew she wasn't coming back. I know no matter what happens in life I will always persevere and enjoy the life I do have no matter what. That's my reflection for this week also I want to focus on positive energy to get through this week.

[Brownfinger]

I'm not going to pretend I know you, but I wish you strength in trudging through the memory of those difficult times. I'm sorry for your troubles, that sounds like a harrowing journey. I hope you find peace along your path.
I'm envious of people who have family they can be close to, I never had that kind of support. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father, a monster of a person who is as brazen with his racist attitudes as he is with his contempt towards women. Any marginalized group, believe me, he hates all of them. He's very open about all of it, growing up around hate of that magnitude was a frightening and traumatic experience. My mom thought she couldn't raise my brother and I alone, she felt trapped. He often berated and threatened me, and in this vile sack of shit I saw the blue print for what not to be. There are probably layers of psychological damage to peel away on some therapist's couch some day, and we all have our vices to keep us sane. It's been liberating to simply make my environment a product of me in a positive fashion.
The result is that everything I am now is in opposition to what he stood for. Love and charitable spirit are at the center of my life, and those things have shaped the adult I've become. I moved away from religion and started thinking on a broader scale, discarding smaller complacency in favor of a desire for deeper scientific knowledge and understanding of the universe. It has shaped many of my interests, and hopefully my career path.
Ultimately, we can let our baggage ruin us or help define us while we seek to improve as humans. I cherish the opportunity to be the better example that I want to see reflected in others. So I embrace that chance with every new day, while recognizing that not everyone is so fortunate.